Guide to Writing : Volume 1

Are you, yes you, interested in writing? Have you just failed English Language because of your shitty essay writing skills? Is your name Sheikh Nahiyan? If the answer to any of these questions is yes then this is for you. Unless of course, you are my mom. In which case, good sir, you never saw this note. Moving on.

#Build up false suspense
President Obama carefully read and re-read the notes as General Gangabanger carefully monitored the advancing Russian troops. Iran had already nuked New York, Washington and Dallas. Chinese Warships had taken control of Hawaii. Much of NATO had been eradicated and US satellites had been destroyed, thus blocking off contact with much of the outside world. In short, the USA was under attack. The 3rd World War was reaching its peak. The air around the military base was grim.
“What did you decid Mr. President?” The general asked. His voice sounded dry.
“ I hate to admit it but..there’s nothing left to do. I have made my decision”, the president replied.
“You mean, you want us to nuke Moscow?”
“No , not that but I’ve been forced to make an equally important decision”
“What is it, sir?”
“I’ve decided to pee”

# Add unnecessary and unorthodox side characters
Edward and Bella were having coffee at Lounge 27. The air around the lounge was, as always, smelling of pot and tobacco. Misled teenagers lay around the floors, being ‘themselves’ and inhaling sheesha. Much to his dismay, Edward saw that on one of bean bag chairs towards the edge of the room was a big , black grizzly bear. It was lying rather aimlessly and inhaling sheesha. On enquiry , the waiters revealed that the bear, named Winnie P. Bearsworth, had anways been a regular customer. Edward and Bella went back to their conversation, pretending that nothing had happened.

#Ask random questions in the most inappropriate times.
President Obama was heaving a headache. British PM David Cameron was discussing something with French President Nikola Sarkozy . The mood around the camp had deteriorated. News arrived of fresh nuclear attacks on Massachusetts. America , apparently, was destined to lose the war. The German Chanchellor Angela Merkel suggested a truce. While the leaders became busy arguing the Pros and Cons of the decision, the German Chancellor drew everyone’s attention to what she said was a question that had been bothering her for some time. When everyone gave her the chance to talk, she said , “Do you think denim makes me look fat?” They all replied in the negative except for Fidel Castro. He had always been a cheeky bastard.

#Describe something totally irrelevant and unrelated.
The pebble was about 3 cm wide and 4 cm in height. It was somewhat grayish and probably weighed somewhere around 0.44 milligrams. It had been broken down from volcanic rock due to years of erosion. It lay there, still and subservient on the shores of Lake Potomac.
Hundreds of miles away in Scotland, we join our hero Harry who is busy finding the final horcrux. In case you’re wondering, no, the rock was not the horcrux. In fact, it has nothing to do with the plot of this book.

#Have strange flashbacks
‘Ah, this reminds me of the time I couldn’t find my other sock. I even contemplated cutting off my leg”, President Sarkozy said as he went through the papers.
“Really?” , president Obama asked
“Yeah!”, he replied
“But what does this have to do with anything?” Chancellor Merkel exclaimed.
“Nothing ,really. I just remembered.”
“Fair enough”

That concludes our writing lesson for now, kids. Tune in next time when I am bored enough to post again.

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